The Uniform Series 7 — Cassie the Soccer Star

From Janus 125. I am guessing this feature dates from 1998 as the model is in an England strip and being managed by "Glyn Haddle". The writer of this brief text seems to have taken on the challenge of cramming as many puns and double-entendres in as they possibly could.

It was every girl’s dream wasn’t it; playing at Wembley? But for Cassie Oliver the dream turned into a nightmare. A packed stadium; a roaring crowd; three lions on her shirt; England 1, Outer Mongolia 1; penalty shoot-out; over the bar; defeat; shame… she even refused to swap her shirt when the teams trooped off.

Cassie wouldn’t be dropped because she was good at the back. No, she was excellent at the back and coach Glynn Haddle knew it.

More likely it would be the extra training routine and a rearguard defence. Haddle knew a good thing when he saw one and specialised in attacking from the rear. Putting Cassie through her paces meant staying behind after all the other players had left — in four-wheel drives and hot hatches, to mock Tudor houses in darkest Essex. It was a tough job but someone had to do it.

Fretful, Cassie changed into newly laundered strip — Coach Haddle insisted his girls looked the part at all times. Funny old cove really; he didn’t go in for those trendy, fashionable baggy shorts. No Haddle’s theory was that the briefer variety caused less drag when the girls had to stretch their legs. He insisted that tighter shorts would improve their form.

Personally, Cassie couldn’t see it, her shorts fitted so tightly across her bottom that it looked like a crowded penalty area in injury time.

When Haddle walked into the changing room, Cassie had just finished dressing and was concentrating on doing 351 ‘keepie-uppies’ with the match ball. She was his star defender and he had to admit the girl knew how to juggle balls. Naturally, he preferred the whole team to practise hard, but Cassie was especially tight at the back and a session of extra training always helped to loosen her up.

He flexed the leather strap and the girl looked at it like Alan Shearer counting his wage packet. There was no doubt about it, it was the infamous ‘striker’ from the team’s penalty box. Only the truly bad girls had to defend against the ‘striker’!

‘Now then young Cassie,’ Haddle started, ‘I think we had better get to the bottom of why your performance lacked its usual sparkle, don’t you?’

Cassie gulped. Her covering at the rear had been okay, but she had fallen down a bit when it came to bending over forward to support her team mates. Perhaps, if she showed him her twin towers he might decide to be a bit more lenient. But no, Haddle refused to even consider it. Cassie would have to endure a rigorous work-out with the ‘striker’, but she would get an orange at half time. Mind you, with energy resources falling, it would be the second half she would find difficult. It was definitely going to be a game of two halves, and of course, there was always a possibility that Coach Haddle might insist on extra time.

There was no doubt that his methods got a result and Haddle was over the moon. Cassie on the other hand, was as sick as a parrot. From now on, she would take each game as it comes and try especially hard to fulfil her burning ambition.

Suddenly, it was 8am. Cassie swung her feet out of bed and reached for the spanking new England replica kit which lay waiting on a bedside chair. She was going to wear it all day in honour of England’s first game in the World Cup. Slipping easily into it, Cassie paused long enough to examine her angles. Hmm… her full back was worthy of a place on the bench, any day.

Well, we did say it was a dream… didn’t we?